Originally written by Thomas Payton with additional verses by many others
Verses in red were written in whole by Peter Arning
To the tune of "Sweet Betsy from Pike"
And it's Moose, Moose, I like a Moose
I've never had anything quite like a Moose
I've had many women, my life has been loose
But I've never had anything quite like a Moose.
When I was a young lad I used to like girls,
I'd toy with their titties and play with their curls.
'Til my girlfriend ran off with a fella named Bruce,
Oh, you'll never be treated like that by a Moose!
When I is alone and in need of a lay,
I goes to the barn and I gets me some hay
I opens me window and spreads it around
'Cause Moose always cums when there's hay on the ground.
When I was a boy, Playboy got me excited,
But now that I am old, yearn for babe has subsided,
But I still get horned up and I still get wet dreams,
From ogling those Moose in my new Field and Stream!
Now sheeps are OK for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight.
But it's not quite the same when you slams their caboose,
Like the feeling you gets when you humps on a moose!
I've done it with all sorts of beasties with hair,
I'd do it with snakes if their fangs was not there.
I've shagged a few llamas, and even a goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a Moose.
I've done it with creatures at land or at sea
I've even had lobster, at least two or three
And sharks are quite good, but they're hard to pull loose
But on dry land there's nothing compares with a moose.
Now, Hedgehogs would work well, except that they bite
And hampsters in duct tape won't last throught the night,
And Cows are quite fun, but they're hard to seduce,
But you never should worry should you find a moose.
I've found many women attracted to me.
A few of them have had me over for tea.
Some say that they love me when they're feeling loose,
But I'd trade the world's women for one lovely moose!
The good Lord made Adam, and then he made Eve.
Said He: "If you sin now, Ill ask you to leave."
They left not because of Eve's forbidden fruit,
But 'cause Adam decided the Mooses were cute.
Step in my study, and trophies you'll find;
A black stripèd tiger and scruffy maned lion.
The elephant's known by his ivory tooth,
But the one that's got big ones, you know is the Moose.
I went to the desert, a Moose for to find,
I left there frustrated near out of my mind
For camels reminds me of Moose just a bit,
But Moose always swallows, while camels just spit.
At the end of a dusty day walking my post
I dreams of those pleasures I fancies the most
And to lure the great Beastie I'll play my kazoo
'Cause a Moose in the boots is worth ten in the zoo!
The King of the Gods is a fella named Zeus
On top of Olympus with an urge to seduce
They offered him maidens but he'd just refuse,
"Screw all of your virgins and bring me a Moose!"
When I go a-huntin' I don't take a gun
I just takes meself and I has lots of fun
I gets up behinds them then cuts meself loose
'Cause I've never had anything tight as a Moose!
Regional Verses:
There once was a TerreNeuve lad, so they say
Who had a big problem, and 'splained it this way:
For years he had tried to get Moose in his bed,
When he finally succeeded, 'twas CHOCOLATE instead!
The Umbrian men, they are strange, it is said,
They all grabs a lamb when they crawls into bed
They moans and they bleats and they rolls on the ground;
But they don't settle for lamb chops when Moose is around!
Now Esperance men are a god-awful lot
I knows of a few that I'd even call sot
They talks of their women and sucks down their juice,
But if truth would be told, they'd all bed with a Moose!
An Aragon Knight got an idea in his head,
That he'd take himself a road runner to bed
But playing Coyote is rather obtuse,
'Cause fine feathered friends can't compare with a Moose!
Sir Chrysagon thought that he'd have him some fun
And catch him a Moose without taking a gun
His patented way to trap Moose in its lair
Is to lay on his back, with his legs in the air!
In Tierra del Fuego lives there a great Knight
Who'll dance on a table with no clothes in sight
His Period underwear's put to good use,
He uses it to make him attractive to Moose!
The York Kingdom men are a sight to behold,
They never grows weary, they never grows old
And if you should ask them their secret of yooth
They'll tells you they drinks at the Fountain of Moose
The Chesapeake men have a habit, you know
Of riding their Mooses way out in the snow,
But when summer comes, they don't show no dismay,
'Cause they just ride their Mooses right into the Bay!
In fair Caerleon they rule in Arthur's stead,
Way up to the North is the Annelynerose
Where the winter there chills you right down to your toes
But they've found a way there to weather their storms,
'Cause inside a Moose is their way to keep warm!
The Kildarns are said to like sheep who've had corn,
The McDonnons dream of a young unicorn.
The Belskis are happy with leather and rope,
But give me a Moose and I'll no longer mope.
Now I've broken the law in this God-awful state.
They've thrown me in prison and locked up the gate.
They say that tomorrow I'll swing from a noose
But my last night I'll spend with a good sexy Moose.
Next morning the Governor's word reached my ears,
"We've commuted your sentence to ninety nine years!"
"You won't get parole, not a five minute's truce,
And your friend goes to Sing-Sing, he's so big-a-moose!"
And now I am old and advanced in my years,
I has no regrets and I sheds me no tears.
I sits by the fire with me glass of Mateuse,
Playing "Hide-the-Salami" with Marvin the Moose!
I've died, gone to heaven, my soul soars away,
I shows up at those Pearly Gates covered in hay,
And if they should ask me the cause of my grin,
I will wind up in Hell humpin’ Mooses again!
New Verses:
I've fought many battles on fields and on farms
I've had many lovers in beds and in barns
Some men serve Odin and some men serve Zeus
But you've never known service till you've serviced a moose.
In Minnesota the girls are quite nice
But in New York City, they treat you like ice
But all through the world moose are the same
And always come softly when called by their name.
All of my life I have travelled around
Looking for someplace nice to settle down
Now I'm so glad that I live in Duluth
Because the area's so well populated with Moose
I went to Australia, feeling quite spruce,
There I met wombats and grey kangaroos,
The wildlife was willing and also profuse,
But they didn't have anything quite like a moose.
Women like pearls and diamonds and cars,
I spend all my money on them in bars,
But a moose is content to be tied to a tree,
hile I find other mooses to satisfy me
In many a bar I have often been led
In many of these you can find a moose head
But damn it to hell, I cannot let this pass
On my wall I'd much rather have a nice moose's ass.
Up on the hill, on a very cold night
My girlfriend was frigid and put up a fight
So I left her right there as she lay on the ground
To go down to the creek where the moose could be found.
Oh, the bride of ol' Bill, it's never been told
Had surrendered her virtue indecently bold
But she still has her "Moose" - she's happily his wife
Proof even a woman can have one for life.
So when I'm alone and I get out the lotion,
And set Rosie and her five good friends into motion,
I'm not fantasizing about naked women on the loose,
But of fondling and groping on a beautiful Moose.
When I was much younger I read dirty books,
I stroked myself with each gazing look,
But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle,
Like the feeling I get jacking off to Bullwinkle.
My doctor told me rugby's bad for my health
I'd thought I'd give it up just to save myself
I'll give up my beer and my vodka-orange juice
But there's no way in hell that I'll give up my moose.
I hunted in winter, I hunted in spring,
I hunted all summer and found not a thing,
But I found my moose when leaves started to fall,
And . . . oh brother! did I have a ball.
All my past lovers did brag about size,
Those tales of twelve inches were nothing but lies,
But a moose is the size that a man ought to be,
That's why from now on it's mooses for me.
A bear in the winter is furry and warm,
And if you don't tickle, he'll do you no harm.
In spring try an eagle, his feathers are light,
That is if you are not afraid of great height.
You can have horses to give you your oats,
If you don't mind the smell, well, you can use goats,
You can even find fun in good old self-abuse,
But if you really want passion you must find a bull moose.
Now a fish is too slimy and slips all around
And some say that camels are heaven abound,
But I'll stick to my ways and not to dismay,
And call on my moose friend to jump me today.
I've been to the farmyard though I had no excuse,
I was tupped by a turkey, some ducks and a goose,
A sheep and goat also gave me abuse,
But they couldn't compare with the thrill of a moose
When I am down, feeling all sad and alone
I drink some Jack Daniels and get a little bit stoned
I go down to the creek where the long willows grow
And find me a moose with his balls hanging low
The sheriff once caught me, it still makes me wince,
He saw me engaged in a passionate clinch,
He offered me amnesty, but I refused,
For only my he-moose could keep me amused.