Please be sitting in front of your computer before you call. It's not too much to ask that you at least be in the same room, is it? Calling me from the Bahamas when your computer is at home in Virginia is not going to help me get your computer fixed.
While you are on the phone with me, please do not be playing games, typing memos, or chatting on IRC. I need your full attention.
Please call when you can be relatively undisturbed. Do not call when things are screamingly busy around your office and you have to keep putting me on hold every 5 seconds so you can deal with a crisis or answer another line. Making me wait increases my call times and ensures that you will not get your computer fixed quickly. If you give me your undivided attention, I can get you back to your busy day with the efficiency you expect from me.
Our software uses the modem to dial out, so please do not be playing online when you call.
And while we're on the subject, if you only have one phone line and you're using it to call me, PLEASE make sure I know this before I waste a half hour trying to figure out why you're not getting a dial tone.
Why is it that you people insist upon putting the computer in a room with only one phone, which is at the other end of the room? Worse, some of you put the computer in a room where the nearest phone is at the other end of the building. And please, if you're going to play "telephone", make sure that the person with the MOST computer experience is the one actually working the computer.
Please have your account number ready. At least know your company name. Knowing your OWN name couldn't hurt!
Please do not get defensive when I ask you for your last name. I am required to log all my calls, and my supervisor may call you back to check up on me. If your name is Linda and there are 4 other people in your office named "Linda", he won't know which of you to call. Likewise, don't get mad when I ask for your phone number. In case we get disconnected, I need to be able to call you back.
And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE know what software you're calling about. If I ask you what software you're using, do not say "Windows" or "I don't know." You use this software every damned day, you ought to know what it's called by now. Also, do not just say my company name. My company produces 14 completely different and mutually exclusive software packages, not to mention the other 2 dozen third-party sofwares we interface with. Telling me that the name of your software is "$MY_COMPANY" does not help.
Don't be dense. If I ask you something like "Are you online?", don't say "I don't know" if you're currently swapping ICQ messages with your best buddy.
Having some kind of basic computer-using knowledge couldn't hurt. Know how to left-click and right-click, as well as where the hell your START button is.
Self-deprecation, while admirable among the Sainthood, is not helpful when you are calling Technical Support. Don't say stuff like "I'm a total dummy when it comes to computers". I can TELL that. Saying it out loud makes me become your bloody THERAPIST and forces me to feed you some piffle about "Oh, it's OK, I don't know anything about $RANDOM_SUBJECT" just to make you feel better. My job is to fix your computer, not fix your life.
Do not try to flaunt your computer knowledge at me. If you knew so much, why are you calling me? I've been doing computers all my life; I am not impressed by the fact that you are a whiz at Minesweeper.
Pay attention to little things like the label on our software package. It says "for Windows" on it, right? Then don't call me and complain to me that it's not installing properly on your Macintrash. And no, we don't have a Linux version.
If I ask you if anything has changed in your computer since the last time our software worked, don't lie to me. If you still have that AOL 6.0 CD in your CD drive from this morning, I'll find out about it.
When you ask for my extension, please don't get mad when I don't give it to you. My manager won't let me because I have to take calls as they come in, and it may be hours before I can call you back when you leave a message in my voicemail. You'll get faster help by calling the queue and victimizing the next available tech. Besides, I don't want to talk to you again if I can at all help it! If by some miracle I DO give you my extension, please do not abuse it. Don't call me and demand personal attention every time your computer looks at you funny - I gave you my extension because you had a really knotty problem that I wanted to be able to follow up on. I am not your best buddy.
Speak English. Get a translator to help if you are so new to this language that you don't know what the word "click" means. I don't care if you get your nine-year-old son to help; it'll be quicker than trying to teach you English while I'm trying to fix your computer. If I speak your language, I'll let you know - you might be surprised!
If there's a group of you, do not make the person with the thickest accent and least amount of computer experience call in. I don't want to have to deal with trying to understand your newest immigrant whose English sounds indistinguishable from his native language, nor do I want to try to teach him how to use a computer when he thinks the word "click" means "stand on your head and cluck like a chicken".
Do not hit on me. Ever. You WILL be rebuffed, no matter what your gender or my marital status. It's nothing personal, I have regulations to follow. And besides, why would I want to go out with a (l)user like you?
Listen to the message you hear before you are transferred to my desk. If it says "Our system is currently experiencing difficulties, please be patient", don't blow up all over me when I finally get to you, or else ask me something stupid like "Are you guys having trouble right now?"
If you have to wait, that's a clue that we're pretty busy. We make it a point of personal and group pride that our wait times are extremely low, but sometimes we get swamped. Don't hang up and keep calling back - all you do is put yourself at the back of the line and mess up our call abandonment rate. Your quickest route to service is to wait - I'll get to you as soon as I deal with the other 15 people in line in front of you.
You are not Radar O'Reilly: Don't anticipate me. If you get ahead of me, you could end up either getting irrevocably lost or causing irreparable damage. Follow my instructions and don't deviate. Especially, don't be in some other program while I'm trying to walk you through mine.
Figure things out for yourself BEFORE you call! Our error messages are pretty clear for a reason - so you can help yourself. If the error message says "Data Entry Error", don't call me up and ask me if my system is having problems.
Likewise, if the error message says "Please check your account information", don't call Technical Support and complain at me that our software sucks. This error means one of two things: either you were a dumbshit and input your password wrong (again), or you are a deadbeat and owe us lots of money. If it's the latter, don't cuss me out when I try to transfer you to Collections.
No matter what, don't piss me off. Don't lie to me, cuss at me, tell me you know more than I do, or otherwise try to make me feel bad. It won't work. I may not be able to charge you extra for this call, but I will still make you PAY.